Today, I stood side by side next to a lovely girl whom I've recently had the pleasure of getting to know. As we were talking, it became clear that we shared similar skin tones (the veriest shade of white). "I'm okay with my pale skin," she said proudly. I concurred. "Yes, I've come to terms with the fact that there's nothing I can do to change it," I replied. And it struck me that while that was true, there still remains a very heavy thread of regret that dramatically affects my ego in the warmer months while everyone walks around with a bronze glow and I am huddled beneath shady trees and awnings, protecting my vampiric color from taint (and damage...).
Acceptance must be one of the most difficult life lessons for me to grasp. Granted, it becomes easier as I get older, when life throws so many curve balls that it is simply impossible to manipulate or control the outcome of every single event. There's not enough energy to combat "what is" all of the time. But, even in instances when it feels like I will simply DIE if the outcome is anything less than my lowest expectations for it, it feels as though failure has become my lot and that there's something that I haven't yet tried that could possibly twist the hands of fate to my favor. And trying to do so is very, very, very exhausting. This is the moment when we do (and I mean "I do") the most unglamorous things. It's the opportunity to allow desperation and fear to totally take over one's thinking and action. I am now working from a place of doubt and hysteria, not a place of reason, introspection, or control. It's when all of my forces concentrate on nothing but the outcome I desire, despite if that outcome is even "good" for me in the grand scheme of things, or if it's in everyone's best interest. It doesn't matter. It's tunnel vision, and it can make one sick with worry if things leave our control and the CAD rendering is different than what we had envisioned.
This is when acceptance is vital (meaning, "things are as they are," and it's not up to me to manipulate, change, cajole, or [my personal favorite] convince anyone of anything). It's the time when our stores of self-acceptance must be utilized to battle the ever-present invader of unmitigated desire and egotistical need for acquisition. And oftentimes, it fails.
I've been wondering what I can do to better employ this mechanism of letting go. Like I said earlier, age helps. Eventually, one becomes so tired with the routine and demands of everyday life, that it's easier to say "whatever," than to try to steer every ship towards our own harbor. But in the moments when I want something so bad that I can taste it, my will and wisdom are tested to the fullest, and I do believe that rationale and a clear sense of self worth and self acceptance are what carry me through. Living in the present moment is just as difficult, but when I realize that in this moment, there's no emergency, it helps. It is usually when I'm thinking of the future that I feel out of control in my present, and though it's true that I cannot control others or their choices, I can control my reactions and perspective.
So this Christmas, I vow to accept those things that I cannot change: the cartoonish and childish family squabbling, my succumbing to overindulgence, family and friends' opinions of me and my life choices, and the fact that I will never, ever have a healthy, bronze glow in any of the pictures taken of me this winter, or any season for that matter. Luckily, I've already amassed a support group. All two of us.
Merry Christmas.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Doctor, Heal Thyself. I'm Good to Go...
I have a friend who is easily stressed, and when stressed, it goes to his head. I’ve known him for a decade, and this has always been the case. This is not uncommon, for many people get headaches when stressed, but in his case, it has reached an epic proportion. Usually, it is stress (as I have mentioned) married with dehydration. Two, three, four Advil later, he recovers, but the mood that caused it prevails. Eventually, the headache returns, more Advil is consumed, and the cycle perpetuates until the stress is somehow alleviated.
Let’s, for today, interest ourselves with solving the root of the problem (headache), not just silencing the symptoms, shall we? This means that recurring problems or symptoms, both physical and emotional, are not simply flukes: they are a sign of something deeper going on beneath the surface.
Anger is a quite effective pain-producer. I have found that points in my body prone to inflammation can immediately get set-off by the slightest provocation of this toxic emotion. So, a zillion milligrams of prescription-grade “medicines” later, I find that the most effective combatant is eliminating the source of anger, and developing a coping mechanism so the inflammation is not triggered in the first place. If you warp the wheel, it can no longer effectively keep turning. That’s what I mean when I say that we must get at the heart of the problem, not throw money, pills, or distractions at it.
Pharmaceutical industries make a mint off of quieting our symptoms. Obese? Easy: take this pill that makes you eliminate fat through your urine, but you can keep eating yourself to mask your emotional trauma. Heart too taxed to function properly? Ok: take this “medicine” daily, and remain inactive. Chronic lower back pain? No problem: forget strengthening the muscles that support your skeletal system. Take two of these until the pain subsides. So anxious that you can’t sleep? Here’s a prescription for the rest of your life. Never mind those side effects. Are you substituting one addiction for another? (Congrats on the recovery, but it seems to have been substituted with chronic eating, chronic exercise, chronic worry, chronic isolation, chronic proselytizing, etc.) Again, have we gotten to the root of the problem, or are we covering it up with something else? Does this solve the original problem, or just translate it into another form of obsession and addiction?
So…
What is causing the headache/heartache/constant worry/anxiety/insomnia/pain?
What can you do to change it?
Are you willing?
Are you interested?
Have you asked for help?
Do you love yourself enough to put forth the effort?
Some tough love questions tonight for the headaches life will inevitably throw our way. Don’t “take two of these,” but do take two minutes to excavate the foundation of what is causing the unease/disease. And please do "call me in the morning."
Let’s, for today, interest ourselves with solving the root of the problem (headache), not just silencing the symptoms, shall we? This means that recurring problems or symptoms, both physical and emotional, are not simply flukes: they are a sign of something deeper going on beneath the surface.
Anger is a quite effective pain-producer. I have found that points in my body prone to inflammation can immediately get set-off by the slightest provocation of this toxic emotion. So, a zillion milligrams of prescription-grade “medicines” later, I find that the most effective combatant is eliminating the source of anger, and developing a coping mechanism so the inflammation is not triggered in the first place. If you warp the wheel, it can no longer effectively keep turning. That’s what I mean when I say that we must get at the heart of the problem, not throw money, pills, or distractions at it.
Pharmaceutical industries make a mint off of quieting our symptoms. Obese? Easy: take this pill that makes you eliminate fat through your urine, but you can keep eating yourself to mask your emotional trauma. Heart too taxed to function properly? Ok: take this “medicine” daily, and remain inactive. Chronic lower back pain? No problem: forget strengthening the muscles that support your skeletal system. Take two of these until the pain subsides. So anxious that you can’t sleep? Here’s a prescription for the rest of your life. Never mind those side effects. Are you substituting one addiction for another? (Congrats on the recovery, but it seems to have been substituted with chronic eating, chronic exercise, chronic worry, chronic isolation, chronic proselytizing, etc.) Again, have we gotten to the root of the problem, or are we covering it up with something else? Does this solve the original problem, or just translate it into another form of obsession and addiction?
So…
What is causing the headache/heartache/constant worry/anxiety/insomnia/pain?
What can you do to change it?
Are you willing?
Are you interested?
Have you asked for help?
Do you love yourself enough to put forth the effort?
Some tough love questions tonight for the headaches life will inevitably throw our way. Don’t “take two of these,” but do take two minutes to excavate the foundation of what is causing the unease/disease. And please do "call me in the morning."
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Outer Space
This exercise requires 15-30 seconds of your time. If you don't have 20 seconds of time, you have work to do. Stop reading, and start prioritizing.
For those of you who DO have a quarter of a minute, please read:
Put the phone down, close the computer, rest your feet on the floor and free your hands. Take three deep breaths. Do not rush. Feel the outline of your body, as though someone was tracing it in chalk. Just feel your own edges. Maybe it will feel like a vibration, a tingling. Maybe you will only feel relaxed or perplexed (what is she asking me to do????), but stick with it for 10 seconds. Really try to feel where "you" end, and the next object "begins."
The space we create around ourselves is almost a tangible object in and of itself. Notice the space around you at present. Literally take 10 seconds to do this (yes, EVERYONE has 10 seconds...do it while you pee!), and feel the emptiness or the void that surrounds you. (To use "void" and "pee" in the same sentence just seems fitting.)
There is more power there than we realize, and it's sometimes the space that we create inside of our minds, hearts, and bodies that heals. Time is nothing but space, correct? It's a construct of our minds that measures space between now and then, or now and tomorrow. Space is necessary to create, to mend, and to eliminate.
When I was young, I had an obsession with outer space. I loved the planets, solar systems, constellations, anything involving space. The librarians at my elementary school were at a constant loss to find me new books on space at my reading level, and so I'd just keep checking out the same books in a self-mandated rotation.
This all came to a halt when one day, when I went to my mother with a question. She was drying her hair in her bathroom. It's so vivid a memory, I can remember the smell of her perfume and can trace my steps. "Mom," I asked, "if you go beyond the Earth, and the planets, and the solar system, and you just keep going, what's there?"
Now, as a precocious child, my mother was used to answering all sorts of questions(and kudos to her, she always answered honestly and with sincere interest), but this was a young child's introduction to infinity, the concept of "void," and one of the greatest mysteries of all time.
She didn't even turn the blow dryer off. "More galaxies," she said. And I retorted with "And after that??? Where does it stop???"
It was futile. I was clearly insatiable (still am), and if it was between a partially-dry head of hair to amuse my never-ending curiosity, or looking presentable and giving me an abbreviated truth, she wisely chose the latter. "If you think about that, you will lose your mind."
Obviously, Mom had no answer. And if Mom had no answer, NO ONE had an answer. This is a woman who would explain binary code to her kids while in the cereal isle, and yet Oz had spoken. Conversation closed.
I remember walking to her bedroom window and looking at the clouds beyond the treetops. I wanted to puke, panic, pull out my hair, and shake my head. This had to be figured out. Surely, there couldn't just be NOTHING there??? Right? What does it mean for us, then? We're floating in nothingness, contained by...NOTHING? I had stumbled upon my greatest fear: Space. Nothingness. Void.
To this day, when I imagine the image of the "void," I am petrified. To see astronauts in movies free-floating through space (oops, the cord broke), I must turn my head. I (we) do the same thing in real life, though. We grip onto someone/something so hard, that we can't allow room between us and them/it to exist. Ironically, this is exactly what is needed to differentiate between the "I" and the "other" that makes the attraction to our outside world exist.
It is to our advantage to employ space.
Space in relationships. Space in business. Space in sports. Space on the highway. Space in ballroom dancing. Space in our mind. Space between bills. We get so close to things, that we lose ourselves in them, and that's where we, like Mom said, lose our "minds."
Today and tomorrow, try to purposefully create space somewhere in your life. Cultivate its gift, for it is there as a protector and healer. It is necessary and so often under-employed and utilized. Feel the air around you. Feel the interplay of distance between you and another. Free up space in your mind so that all worries or "problems" can occupy their own corners while you remain removed, allowing a healthy field of space to blossom in between.
And if you were doing this while on the "John" peeing, it's now time to flush. Into the "void" it goes :)
For those of you who DO have a quarter of a minute, please read:
Put the phone down, close the computer, rest your feet on the floor and free your hands. Take three deep breaths. Do not rush. Feel the outline of your body, as though someone was tracing it in chalk. Just feel your own edges. Maybe it will feel like a vibration, a tingling. Maybe you will only feel relaxed or perplexed (what is she asking me to do????), but stick with it for 10 seconds. Really try to feel where "you" end, and the next object "begins."
The space we create around ourselves is almost a tangible object in and of itself. Notice the space around you at present. Literally take 10 seconds to do this (yes, EVERYONE has 10 seconds...do it while you pee!), and feel the emptiness or the void that surrounds you. (To use "void" and "pee" in the same sentence just seems fitting.)
There is more power there than we realize, and it's sometimes the space that we create inside of our minds, hearts, and bodies that heals. Time is nothing but space, correct? It's a construct of our minds that measures space between now and then, or now and tomorrow. Space is necessary to create, to mend, and to eliminate.
When I was young, I had an obsession with outer space. I loved the planets, solar systems, constellations, anything involving space. The librarians at my elementary school were at a constant loss to find me new books on space at my reading level, and so I'd just keep checking out the same books in a self-mandated rotation.
This all came to a halt when one day, when I went to my mother with a question. She was drying her hair in her bathroom. It's so vivid a memory, I can remember the smell of her perfume and can trace my steps. "Mom," I asked, "if you go beyond the Earth, and the planets, and the solar system, and you just keep going, what's there?"
Now, as a precocious child, my mother was used to answering all sorts of questions(and kudos to her, she always answered honestly and with sincere interest), but this was a young child's introduction to infinity, the concept of "void," and one of the greatest mysteries of all time.
She didn't even turn the blow dryer off. "More galaxies," she said. And I retorted with "And after that??? Where does it stop???"
It was futile. I was clearly insatiable (still am), and if it was between a partially-dry head of hair to amuse my never-ending curiosity, or looking presentable and giving me an abbreviated truth, she wisely chose the latter. "If you think about that, you will lose your mind."
Obviously, Mom had no answer. And if Mom had no answer, NO ONE had an answer. This is a woman who would explain binary code to her kids while in the cereal isle, and yet Oz had spoken. Conversation closed.
I remember walking to her bedroom window and looking at the clouds beyond the treetops. I wanted to puke, panic, pull out my hair, and shake my head. This had to be figured out. Surely, there couldn't just be NOTHING there??? Right? What does it mean for us, then? We're floating in nothingness, contained by...NOTHING? I had stumbled upon my greatest fear: Space. Nothingness. Void.
To this day, when I imagine the image of the "void," I am petrified. To see astronauts in movies free-floating through space (oops, the cord broke), I must turn my head. I (we) do the same thing in real life, though. We grip onto someone/something so hard, that we can't allow room between us and them/it to exist. Ironically, this is exactly what is needed to differentiate between the "I" and the "other" that makes the attraction to our outside world exist.
It is to our advantage to employ space.
Space in relationships. Space in business. Space in sports. Space on the highway. Space in ballroom dancing. Space in our mind. Space between bills. We get so close to things, that we lose ourselves in them, and that's where we, like Mom said, lose our "minds."
Today and tomorrow, try to purposefully create space somewhere in your life. Cultivate its gift, for it is there as a protector and healer. It is necessary and so often under-employed and utilized. Feel the air around you. Feel the interplay of distance between you and another. Free up space in your mind so that all worries or "problems" can occupy their own corners while you remain removed, allowing a healthy field of space to blossom in between.
And if you were doing this while on the "John" peeing, it's now time to flush. Into the "void" it goes :)
Monday, December 5, 2011
The Spiritual Diet: Lose 10 Pounds Fast!
I tried a well-known diet recently that eliminates practically an entire food group (the largest one…on the bottom of the pyramid). Yeah. You know the plan I’m referencing. And when I woke up today, all I wanted to do was devour an orange. Never in my life has the need for fruit consumed me to a level of quasi-erotic desire, but when you don’t eat fruit for days (and I’m used to a lot of plants and fruits), you would do anything, or anyone, to get your hands on something hanging from a tree and remotely edible.
Most diets find their foundation in eliminating certain foods. For instance, refined sugar (probably not a bad idea), or grains (I’d rather swallow a hanger), but to each her own, and the purpose is to help one shed excess weight, feel lighter, have more energy, and be more in-tune with who he is.
Ironically, a spiritual diet can do the same. At least I think so. What spiritual “food” groups can we eliminate in order to feel lighter, stronger, and healthier? I can think of a few:
Guilt makes me feel awful. It nags me, screams at me, perpetually punishes me, and really doesn’t fix the problem at hand. It’s like the chocolate in the cupboard, and I can’t have just one bite. The bag is literally jumping off of the shelf. It’s so damn loud. Probably better to not even bring it into the house. A bite here and there is inevitable (the holidays ARE coming), but don’t invite the temptation by letting it into your heart, home, body, soul. Turn your head. Walk away. Count to 10, and release the urge.
Anger is a whopper. As I age, I become more and more conscious about anger and releasing it as quickly as possible. No carcinogen on the planet is as toxic as this guy. Burn the skins on your grilled meat, eat Red Lake #40, take that leftover Phentramine, but my God, do not house anger inside your body. Want to talk about feeling “lighter?” You’ll float home.
And then there was…
Worry: the hidden high fructose corn syrup in the ketchup. Why do we do it? Does ketchup need corn syrup? Wouldn’t it taste better without corn syrup? Wouldn’t our ass thank us for ditching the corn syrup? Then DON’T EAT THE CORN SYRUP. It’s pointless. There’s just so much of it, we figure we should saturate everything we produce with it. Worry = corn syrup. Hidden, omnipresent, and totally unnecessary.
Grab a measuring tape, a scale, and a BMI calculator. Put them into a dark recess of your closet and bury them behind shoe boxes. Whatever is on the outside does not count right now, or at least until Christmas. You want to fit into that special dress? Great. Knock yourself out, but the spiritual diet also works wonders, despite the fact that it won’t sell books or be seen on infomercials. Why? Because it’s free, makes you feel good immediately, and helps you drop those unwanted “pounds” of misery at the snap of a finger. It doesn't subscribe to the "no pain, no gain" philosophy. It's more of a "no pain, all gain" approach.
All of this talk is making me hungry. “Please insert carb here.”
Most diets find their foundation in eliminating certain foods. For instance, refined sugar (probably not a bad idea), or grains (I’d rather swallow a hanger), but to each her own, and the purpose is to help one shed excess weight, feel lighter, have more energy, and be more in-tune with who he is.
Ironically, a spiritual diet can do the same. At least I think so. What spiritual “food” groups can we eliminate in order to feel lighter, stronger, and healthier? I can think of a few:
Guilt makes me feel awful. It nags me, screams at me, perpetually punishes me, and really doesn’t fix the problem at hand. It’s like the chocolate in the cupboard, and I can’t have just one bite. The bag is literally jumping off of the shelf. It’s so damn loud. Probably better to not even bring it into the house. A bite here and there is inevitable (the holidays ARE coming), but don’t invite the temptation by letting it into your heart, home, body, soul. Turn your head. Walk away. Count to 10, and release the urge.
Anger is a whopper. As I age, I become more and more conscious about anger and releasing it as quickly as possible. No carcinogen on the planet is as toxic as this guy. Burn the skins on your grilled meat, eat Red Lake #40, take that leftover Phentramine, but my God, do not house anger inside your body. Want to talk about feeling “lighter?” You’ll float home.
And then there was…
Worry: the hidden high fructose corn syrup in the ketchup. Why do we do it? Does ketchup need corn syrup? Wouldn’t it taste better without corn syrup? Wouldn’t our ass thank us for ditching the corn syrup? Then DON’T EAT THE CORN SYRUP. It’s pointless. There’s just so much of it, we figure we should saturate everything we produce with it. Worry = corn syrup. Hidden, omnipresent, and totally unnecessary.
Grab a measuring tape, a scale, and a BMI calculator. Put them into a dark recess of your closet and bury them behind shoe boxes. Whatever is on the outside does not count right now, or at least until Christmas. You want to fit into that special dress? Great. Knock yourself out, but the spiritual diet also works wonders, despite the fact that it won’t sell books or be seen on infomercials. Why? Because it’s free, makes you feel good immediately, and helps you drop those unwanted “pounds” of misery at the snap of a finger. It doesn't subscribe to the "no pain, no gain" philosophy. It's more of a "no pain, all gain" approach.
All of this talk is making me hungry. “Please insert carb here.”
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Weapons of Mass Destruction
I met a good friend at a bookstore last night (bookstores: not yet extinct), and while I put sugar in my tea at the "condiment/napkin/drop-it-in-the-hole-trash-receptacle counter, I peered over the shoulder of a reader. He was engrossed in an article titled something like “The Six Most Influential Weapons of Mass Destruction in History.” I think there was a picture of a mushroom cloud on the page, and it struck me as eerily beautiful.
As I made my way back to our table, I wondered what weapons the article mentioned. I tried listing them in my head, atomic warfare at the top. But then it dawned on me that no physical weapon of mass destruction has wiped out more "life" on this planet than the non-physical weapons we employ every day. These non-physical weapons may lead to physical results, but they are insidious poisons that do more damage than any mushroom cloud could. What are the Six Most Influential Weapons of Mass Destruction in History? Let’s see…
1. Fear. Fear is at the helm of every crime on this planet. We kill because we fear being killed. We lie for fear of being exposed (for fear our vulnerabilities will be exposed, that is). We steal because we fear lack. We cheat because we fear failure. We judge because we fear judgment. We covet because we fear loss. We hate because we fear love.
2. Greed. It has started wars in the name of God. And people believed, and fought, and killed under this guise. It is prevalent in those who fear (see #1 weapon of mass destruction) loss and lack. It is a direct insult to Source who provides for all.
3. Conceit. Bold-faced fear personified. Our perceived weaknesses or vulnerabilities are what make us human, connected, and "exalted." The meek shall inherit the Earth. Sound familiar?
4. Despair. Disclaimer: it is only natural to feel sad and to grieve. There is a season, so the famous passage goes. But I am referencing the Victorian widows who wore black every day for the rest of their lives due to a martyr complex. To wear one’s grief and loss as a medal will leave her with nothing but epaulets of pain. Push life away and it will soon do the same to you.
5. Ego. Ask yourself before performing any action “Is this what I (insert your name here) want, or is this what that devilish, spirit-eating aura slime Ego desires?” Answer honestly, and life will open up to you.
6. Thanklessness. Newsflash: There is something greater than you. It made you, You. A little gratefulness goes a long way. Tip for service.
As I made my way back to our table, I wondered what weapons the article mentioned. I tried listing them in my head, atomic warfare at the top. But then it dawned on me that no physical weapon of mass destruction has wiped out more "life" on this planet than the non-physical weapons we employ every day. These non-physical weapons may lead to physical results, but they are insidious poisons that do more damage than any mushroom cloud could. What are the Six Most Influential Weapons of Mass Destruction in History? Let’s see…
1. Fear. Fear is at the helm of every crime on this planet. We kill because we fear being killed. We lie for fear of being exposed (for fear our vulnerabilities will be exposed, that is). We steal because we fear lack. We cheat because we fear failure. We judge because we fear judgment. We covet because we fear loss. We hate because we fear love.
2. Greed. It has started wars in the name of God. And people believed, and fought, and killed under this guise. It is prevalent in those who fear (see #1 weapon of mass destruction) loss and lack. It is a direct insult to Source who provides for all.
3. Conceit. Bold-faced fear personified. Our perceived weaknesses or vulnerabilities are what make us human, connected, and "exalted." The meek shall inherit the Earth. Sound familiar?
4. Despair. Disclaimer: it is only natural to feel sad and to grieve. There is a season, so the famous passage goes. But I am referencing the Victorian widows who wore black every day for the rest of their lives due to a martyr complex. To wear one’s grief and loss as a medal will leave her with nothing but epaulets of pain. Push life away and it will soon do the same to you.
5. Ego. Ask yourself before performing any action “Is this what I (insert your name here) want, or is this what that devilish, spirit-eating aura slime Ego desires?” Answer honestly, and life will open up to you.
6. Thanklessness. Newsflash: There is something greater than you. It made you, You. A little gratefulness goes a long way. Tip for service.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)