Today, I stood side by side next to a lovely girl whom I've recently had the pleasure of getting to know. As we were talking, it became clear that we shared similar skin tones (the veriest shade of white). "I'm okay with my pale skin," she said proudly. I concurred. "Yes, I've come to terms with the fact that there's nothing I can do to change it," I replied. And it struck me that while that was true, there still remains a very heavy thread of regret that dramatically affects my ego in the warmer months while everyone walks around with a bronze glow and I am huddled beneath shady trees and awnings, protecting my vampiric color from taint (and damage...).
Acceptance must be one of the most difficult life lessons for me to grasp. Granted, it becomes easier as I get older, when life throws so many curve balls that it is simply impossible to manipulate or control the outcome of every single event. There's not enough energy to combat "what is" all of the time. But, even in instances when it feels like I will simply DIE if the outcome is anything less than my lowest expectations for it, it feels as though failure has become my lot and that there's something that I haven't yet tried that could possibly twist the hands of fate to my favor. And trying to do so is very, very, very exhausting. This is the moment when we do (and I mean "I do") the most unglamorous things. It's the opportunity to allow desperation and fear to totally take over one's thinking and action. I am now working from a place of doubt and hysteria, not a place of reason, introspection, or control. It's when all of my forces concentrate on nothing but the outcome I desire, despite if that outcome is even "good" for me in the grand scheme of things, or if it's in everyone's best interest. It doesn't matter. It's tunnel vision, and it can make one sick with worry if things leave our control and the CAD rendering is different than what we had envisioned.
This is when acceptance is vital (meaning, "things are as they are," and it's not up to me to manipulate, change, cajole, or [my personal favorite] convince anyone of anything). It's the time when our stores of self-acceptance must be utilized to battle the ever-present invader of unmitigated desire and egotistical need for acquisition. And oftentimes, it fails.
I've been wondering what I can do to better employ this mechanism of letting go. Like I said earlier, age helps. Eventually, one becomes so tired with the routine and demands of everyday life, that it's easier to say "whatever," than to try to steer every ship towards our own harbor. But in the moments when I want something so bad that I can taste it, my will and wisdom are tested to the fullest, and I do believe that rationale and a clear sense of self worth and self acceptance are what carry me through. Living in the present moment is just as difficult, but when I realize that in this moment, there's no emergency, it helps. It is usually when I'm thinking of the future that I feel out of control in my present, and though it's true that I cannot control others or their choices, I can control my reactions and perspective.
So this Christmas, I vow to accept those things that I cannot change: the cartoonish and childish family squabbling, my succumbing to overindulgence, family and friends' opinions of me and my life choices, and the fact that I will never, ever have a healthy, bronze glow in any of the pictures taken of me this winter, or any season for that matter. Luckily, I've already amassed a support group. All two of us.
Merry Christmas.
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