I was having a conversation this week with a woman (let's call her "Jane") who had been on a first date recently. Despite the fact that there were some blatant red flags as to why this man was definitely not ready to enter into a relationship, perhaps one of the most disturbing aspects of the evening was his inability to try to understand her line of work. Jane has had a successful business for over a decade practicing an ancient Japanese healing art. Though she is modest, she certainly is not ashamed of what she does. It has brought her much joy to see her clients feel lighter, healthier, and more joyful following a regimen of treatment. It is, one could say, Jane's gift and calling.
So, imagine her disappointment when her date immediately interrupted her and began listing why he couldn't possibly be with anyone who did what she did for a living. Because he had met someone previously who claimed to be a practitioner of the same healing art, and because said woman was "nuts" in his humble estimation, it became impossible for him to consider that anyone else with a similar interest could be anything else but crazy. As quickly as Jane had answered his question about her profession, he was at the ready with a narrow-minded reason as to why he thought it was all hogwash. Clearly this man exists in a world where everyone is a one-dimensional label. On the menu that night was an artfully crafted appetizer of superiority, followed by an entree of steaming hot ego. And for dessert: insecurity flambe. Needless to say, Jane shan't be going out with him again. "I just can't be with someone who doesn't respect what I do," she explained. I agreed with her, and she flew off into the night sky on her broom, sprinkling fairy dust on the ground below, and waving to the aliens in other galaxies. At least that's how he imagined she got home that evening.
Now, had this man been genuinely interested in learning about her, he could have asked her to explain it to him. Even then, he may not have "understood" it fully, but lack of understanding does not have to mean judgement.
To this day, I cannot garner an ounce of pleasure from metal music. It grates my nerves, makes me anxious, and sends me to a dark corner to cry. It makes my senses bleed, however, I am sure there is a feeling of exhilaration for those who do like it. I think no less of metal music fans: I simply prefer they do their thing out of earshot. I feel the same about Reaganomics, but my perspective has not prevented me from dating some fabulous men who swear by it. I like the same level of acceptance to be extended to me. When I tell someone that I'm interested in astrology and they roll their eyes, it's a physical sign that I've been written off. My desires are "foolish," "unsubstantiated," "crazy," or "out there." For a sensitive soul like myself, it's enough to want to fly away on my magical broomstick (the preferred mode of transportation for "crazy" people like myself and Jane), but then I realize that it's the other person's misunderstanding and unwillingness to keep an open mind that is being projected onto me. And I don't accept it as a personal flaw. It's their junk. Not mine.
Now, we could collect examples of this all day long. Judgement is more readily available than a D-list celebrity for a weight control supplement. Watch people's eyes glaze over when you tell them your religion (or lack thereof), your views on politics, your belief in life after death, and your astrological sign. As you get written-off for your opinions, examine how this makes you feel. Also be very sure that you aren't immediately judging others when they express their viewpoints to you. Those who are misunderstood are not immune from slinging judgement themselves. Espouse behavior that you wish to have expressed towards you, and forgive others when they display limited awareness and a narrow mind. Remember: forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to hang around them or welcome then into your life. It simply means that you accept the limitations within yourself and others. At the basis of judgement is fear, and we've all felt it at some point. Forgive. Move on.
Lastly, if you find yourself in an intimate relationship (and this probably goes for friendships, too) that makes you feel "silly" for being yourself and loving the pastimes and activities that you enjoy, then consider why you are there. Are you subconsciously seeking approval? Do you secretly judge yourself too, like the other person judges you? Are you hiding your passions or perspectives for fear of being rejected...and you don't think you deserve to be fully accepted? If this is the case, ask yourself if you're content to limit yourself so that your partner can operate out of his comfort zone or his limited realm of acceptance. If that sounds exhausting or unfair to you, then it's time to summon the flying monkeys and high-tail it outta there. Life is too short to surround yourself with those who scoff, judge, or make light of the things you love. Even your adoration for trickle-down economics.
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